


The fears in his heart

by Mad_Amethyst



Series: Silver's Journey Through Darkness [5]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst, Canon Disabled Character, Episode Related, Episode XXIV. (S03E06), Gen, POV John Silver, POV Third Person Limited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 13:29:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6286585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mad_Amethyst/pseuds/Mad_Amethyst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John couldn't afford to be weak...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The fears in his heart

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of a Black Sails challenge between [Sweety_Mutant](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweety_Mutant/pseuds/Sweety_Mutant) and me. You can read hers [there](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6188572/chapters/14179048)!
> 
> Rules: Seven sentences were picked up on this [dialogue generator](http://writingexercises.co.uk/dialogue-generator.php). Each chapter/part must have one of them in it (in the order we want) and be less than 1000 words.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Black Sails or its characters. I simply use them for my own pleasure. :)

Sitting on the wooden bench, John looked at the medicine being crushed in the big clay bowl by the woman seated on the ground, right in front of him. A hand put aside of him, the other holding one of the pillars of the balcony, he was prepared for the intense pain he knew would come when the healer would spread the thick preparation on his wound. The inflammation was strong, and even the slightest brush seemed like a thousand needles piercing his skin at this point.

The woman took a small piece of wood on the table and held it to him. He did not move, refusing to take it. He still had his pride.

The Queen’s daughter, standing on his left, spoke to him then, and his eyes fell on her as she did so. “If you won’t take the opium, at least take this to bite down on.”

He looked at the gag again, only for a second. She could say anything, he would not change his mind.

“Just do it,” he replied directly to the medicine woman, not wanting to argue with the other. But she turned to her superior, asking a silent confirmation from her. _Come on…_ He closed his eyes for a brief instant. Pain. Always this fucking pain. It made him wish he could not feel anything at all. He could not hold a little grunt. _Do it now. I want it to be over._

And finally she put the piece of wood away and moved to the next step. Her hand touched the wound, and— _fuck!_ —it was even worse than he had imagined. The scarred skin felt like it was burning. It was a real challenge not to whine and cry right now. But he controlled his breath, stopping any sound of going out of his mouth. He strengthened his grip on the pillar and the bench, each second still more painful than the previous one. _Oh, God… It’s too much… It’s too—_

Then, the woman spread another handful of the preparation, and he had to close his eyes tightly, had to clench his teeth. A moan escaped him. _Fuck… Hold on! Be strong, damn it!_ He was only breathing through his nose now.

Suddenly, a warm hand covered his own. A light move, quiet, comforting. _What? Do I look so pitiful to you?_

The pain. Too strong. His breath was becoming chaotic. He could not focus. _No! Do something about it!_

“The way… uh… you flirt… is… shameful…” he managed to say through his teeth. _Come on, move away… Please… I can’t…_

But she did not move his hand. And, with total impassivity, she replied to him, “Stop talking or you will bite your tongue.”

John knew what she really meant. “ _Let it go. No one will judge you here.”_ And, if he was honest, he was grateful for the support. The sweetness of this hand, as strange as it sounded, gave him some strength to stand the pain. It contrasted so much with the fire currently engulfing his stump. He needed it, way more than he was willing to admit…

 

Later, he was lying on a wooden bed, slowly recovering from the fever. Rustic fabric blinds protected him from the sun, which was appreciable. The Queen’s daughter was here, sitting on a rocking chair. _Does she feel she has to look after me?_

He suddenly broke the quiet, peaceful atmosphere. “Sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean it.” _I was desperate. A fool refusing to let go of his pride._

“I know,” she simply answered, her tone calm and understanding.

Silence again. _Great._ He lost himself in thought. Not happy thoughts, of course. So far from Flint and the crew, all his fears were surging again. Like these feelings he experienced lately… _I’m changing… No, the truth is, even before that fucking storm, I had already started to change… That’s him. Flint. Seeing into him, into his darkness, it tainted me. It tainted my heart… It changed me in a way that I can never come back from. Well, what to say? He had me before I had him, that’s it._

He had a pang of emotion. _I—I’m afraid that, now that we share this connection, he’s only going to change me more. What will there be left of me, then?_ So much questions going through his mind. _Will I be strong enough to walk this dark path to his side to the very end? What if I’m not? What would become of me, huh…?_ He did not want to think of this. But his brain was not listening to him. Of course it was not… _I need—_

His heart ached painfully. He looked at the kind woman, seeking for some form of comfort. She seemed lost in thought too. “The burden I wasn’t prepared for…” he started then, hoping he would catch her attention. _I just need a sympathetic ear. Need to forget I have to be strong and invulnerable… Just for a moment, please…_ “… it isn’t the men. It’s him.”

**Author's Note:**

> The sentence used for this part was: "The way you flirt is shameful." It came naturally to me for this scene. It doesn't mean I don't like Madi, though. I wanted Silver to use this sentence as a way of protecting himself, and it seemed to be the perfect moment for this.  
> If you liked it, you can let me know with a kudo or a comment. See you soon!


End file.
